Despite the bright sunny 80 degree October day here on the shores of of the Cuyahoga River , my mood is abysmal. What am I afraid of? What, pray tell, is keeping me from claiming the riches that life has for me. What is it that has me thinking I don't deserve success, and that this is a good as life is going be. When did this thinking take root, and how do I get rid of the vile weed of suppression it has grown. Last night as I was winding down to get ready for another day at 'the Grind', a friend of mine call. It was quick conversation, hurried in way. But, the one subject we talked about has echoed in my head since we hung up, and that was moving. My friend feels that there is no opportunity around these parts, and that if you want to prosper you need to go to another area, her preference I am sure is somewhere out west. I agree that this city, and the county have been mismanage and neglected, but this is still my home, my 'hood, and I want to see it come through this rough patch and prosper, and not from far away. I want to be a part of if it's blossoming into a mid west cultural center. I love it here, but some changes have to be made. Now I am not one to pontificate politically, or to discuss my alliances and why. But our conversation has gotten me thinking that where I may not have to move from the area, I do have to move on from the situation that I am in and quick. I can't let the skepticism of others prevent me from obtaining my dreams. I can't let fear constrict me like an oxen's yoke. For once, if only once, I must do the so-called irrational thing, since the so-called rational line of thinking has brought me to the undesirable. I know I am starting to sound like a Seinfeld episode, but there is some truth to that "logic". First step is to leave 'the Grind', I would have done that already except I didn't want everyone to think that I left in embarrassment of what happened. But, hindsight being what it is, I now say who gives a damn about what the think. Like the new company tag line says, "it's about me, and it's about time". Now here where the "practical" side of me starts screaming in my ear. "What are you going to do about money?", it yells, to which I replay "Valid point."(Yes I do sometimes talk to the voices in my head -grin-) What I have in reserve would take care of what I need, for a good amount of time, I could take a vacation and then get a seasonal job while I prepare to go completely self sufficient. I need one, maybe two final favors from 'the Grind' and then I'll be set. But that would prolong my stay at least through the end of the year, and I don't know if I want to spend the holidays in that place, for once I would like to enjoy HallowThanksChristmasKwanzzagivingween Year, and not avoid them like a diseased animal carcass. But the health insurance and year end bonus could come in handy. The bonus can be made up, the health insurance can't, and I want to step into the next movement assured of my physical well being. But still I feel as if I am doing nothing but making excuses for postponement, and for why? Because this would be the biggest leap of faith, I have ever taken. I have never done anything of this nature before, and it makes me uneasy, to take such a chance. Yet I crave to know joy again, and to distance myself from the mundane, and I do believe, even if no one else does, that I have the capacity and aptitude to succeed, despite all of the potential obstacles that may present themselves. I can't fear the unknown, for it is not known. For all I know it could be something great. And I don't want to miss out on something great...again.
Riding through the Range of Light
To the wounded city
Filling my spirit with the wildest wish to fly
Taking the high road , taking the high road
To the wounded city
1971-2007
