November 23, 2007

Signal transmitted, message received...


So starts the Holiday Season of 2007, mom is doing well, although she's been a bit under the weather these past few days, and there is an ever growing sense of optimism for what the future holds. Also, there is an air of serenity that has been missing for quite sometime. I think back to last year at this time and marvel at how much things have changed since then. Last year at this time I was working two jobs I couldn't stand, and wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life. But now my feet are firmly planted, my base is solid, and I am ready to embark on my greatest adventure to date.
I walked away from so many things this past year, and have been successful in replacing most of them, except for one thing. And because of that there is still an empty space, to which no matter what I try to fill it with, it just doesn't satisfy. I understand that I must move on. I understand that even if I were to try to reclaim what once filled that spot, that things could never be as they were before, considering what is now known and how things are. Every attempt I have made to extinguish my desires, has been like adding gasoline to the fire. How and what I feel is more than just "romantic feelings", it's more take a bullet/kill somebody for...okay that might be a bit much, but words describing my feelings escape me at the moment, but one thing I do know is that they will never change. Most days I am able to keep those feelings tucked away, but then something happens, maybe a random song on the iPod , something I read, or just a quiet moment of meditation, and those emotions come tumbling out like shadows in the dark.
Sometimes I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it so that things never happened the way they did. I can't say it enough that I had no intentions to cause harm, and that I had no hidden agenda. I am honestly very happy for everyone, and pray each day that they continue to receive the blessings that God has given unto them. I just felt I had to be honest, not only with everyone else, but with myself also. Sometimes, however, I can be a little clumsy, and for that I am sorry. As far as how things played out, it is all water under the bridge, I have no hard feelings towards anyone, nor did I ever. Memories just remind me that I was blessed to have known such good people...

1 Comments:

Blogger Autumn Storm said...

Thrilled for you that everything save one thing is going well for you, Virge, that's pretty good going for any of us. Hopefully you will find that last piece, xo

29 November, 2007 11:28  

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