I'm runnin', findin' my way back home....
First the good news, mom is doing well! The treatments, while they present their own challenges, have done what they were suppose to do. Mom, is back to her old self, the cancer is almost completely gone[praying] , and the future looks bright. I must admit I never really let on just how serious things were, whenever asked how things were going, I would just replay with"She's doing fine.". There were, however, many moments of deep concern along the way, a few nights of insomnia worrying over impending test results. Things finally took a turn for the better a few weeks back, and now we are looking forward to a complete recovery.
As for my recovery, that a different matter. I am still reconciling the fallout from what happened between me and friend. Over these past few months, I have replayed the episode over and over in my mind, driving myself to the edge of lunacy. And where as my actions can be called to question, my feelings cannot be refuted. Which indicates to me that I made the right decision. It was one of the toughest decision I ever had to make, to end a friendship. But what is one to do when your feelings surpass that of wanting to be "just friends", especially considering the circumstances. My logic tells me that, my feelings are wrong, but my heart tells me something completely different. I thought that by now those feelings would have diminished, but they are still as intense as they were when I revealed them. I just hope that someday I am able to put this all behind me.
Speaking of putting things behind me, things at "the Grind", have become unbearable. Day after day of the same old, same old. My exodus from that place is becoming more and more of a reality. I need to be involved in something that gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Something that allows me to be creative, not just some Pavlov test subject. Conventional wisdom says that before you leave a job that you should have something else lined up. I don't think I can wait that long, and the prospect of working somewhere else, for someone else just doesn't appeal to me. I have an idea, a great one. It's a huge leap of faith, sacrifices will have to be made, but the payoff in the end can be enormous. I feel that if I am to take a chance like this now is the time, if not now when? I do not want to look back 5, 10 years from now and say "if only...". If only I would have taken a chance, if only I would have believed in myself, things would be different. Who knows things may not pan out as they have in my mind, but places like "the Grind" will always be around, and there still is the prospect of me taking over running my aunt and uncle's daycare center. But for once I want to do something that I want to do, and if I fail then at least I can say I gave it a shot. But I am not thinking of failure, I am thinking of growth...
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
As for my recovery, that a different matter. I am still reconciling the fallout from what happened between me and friend. Over these past few months, I have replayed the episode over and over in my mind, driving myself to the edge of lunacy. And where as my actions can be called to question, my feelings cannot be refuted. Which indicates to me that I made the right decision. It was one of the toughest decision I ever had to make, to end a friendship. But what is one to do when your feelings surpass that of wanting to be "just friends", especially considering the circumstances. My logic tells me that, my feelings are wrong, but my heart tells me something completely different. I thought that by now those feelings would have diminished, but they are still as intense as they were when I revealed them. I just hope that someday I am able to put this all behind me.
Speaking of putting things behind me, things at "the Grind", have become unbearable. Day after day of the same old, same old. My exodus from that place is becoming more and more of a reality. I need to be involved in something that gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Something that allows me to be creative, not just some Pavlov test subject. Conventional wisdom says that before you leave a job that you should have something else lined up. I don't think I can wait that long, and the prospect of working somewhere else, for someone else just doesn't appeal to me. I have an idea, a great one. It's a huge leap of faith, sacrifices will have to be made, but the payoff in the end can be enormous. I feel that if I am to take a chance like this now is the time, if not now when? I do not want to look back 5, 10 years from now and say "if only...". If only I would have taken a chance, if only I would have believed in myself, things would be different. Who knows things may not pan out as they have in my mind, but places like "the Grind" will always be around, and there still is the prospect of me taking over running my aunt and uncle's daycare center. But for once I want to do something that I want to do, and if I fail then at least I can say I gave it a shot. But I am not thinking of failure, I am thinking of growth...
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
posted by CYGNUS003 at 8:28 PM
3 Comments:
If you know what your passion is, Virgil, you owe it to yourself to go after it. Whatever happens, know this, know that you have everything within you that you need in order to make a success of this venture. Don't wait 5 years or 10 years, for as long as I have known you, I have heard you calling out to something different, you have already gone down the path towards if only, now is the time to stop. You have it all inside, don't forget. To add to that, I'm wishing you a little luck too. :-)
Wonderful, wonderful news regarding your mother. So very glad and relieved to hear such an excellent and positive prognosis!
In regards to the friendship, sometimes they just do not last, for one reason or another. Not to lighten the magnitude of what happened or your feelings, but in short, Virgil, someday you'll find what you need.
Hugs to you, good to see you back. Made my week!
Great to see you back. Glad your Mom is doing better. Take care and good luck with whatever path you choose.
Wishing you a nice weekend, Virge, hope all's well with you, xo
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